Dear Wonder Woman: YOU Will Get Arrested If You Fight Crime In That Top

Dear Wonder Woman:

I did always admire your invisible jet, which I knew mostly through the Superfriends cartoons.

I've seen some of your costume reboots (no pun intended). I realize that you have often been asked to embrace the ridiculous, the silly, the impractical, the spangled, the swimsuit-y, and the downright inappropriate.

Now granted, that — your latest look for your new pilot at NBC — is better than the original version we saw. You have dark blue pants instead of electric blue pants, and they gave you back your red boots. THERE IS NO SUCH POSSIBILITY. You would not run to catch a bus in that top, unless you crossed your arms over your chest the whole way there.

There was a time when nobody understood that women could be good at fighting and also hot. There was a time when functionality had to take a back seat to fashion, and this is when your star-spangled undies were invented, you see. Linda Hamilton didn't wear fishnet stockings in Terminator 2, did she? There's nothing in The Hunger Games about Katniss wearing stilettos in battle. Buffy didn't slay vampires in a tube top and I think you get my meaning. I am all for you embracing your right to be a sex bomb and a crime fighter at the same time, but that doesn't mean a strapless corset made of plastic. Not only can you not use your lasso in that outfit, you can't raise your arm to hail a taxi in that outfit. I understand that you have an invisible plane. Maybe you have an invisible Vespa because of the urban environment. Um, Hatchet-Head? Circus-Face? We can't afford to have you distracted because you're yanking up your top all the time like a poorly-fitted bridesmaid at a hastily planned wedding. If you wouldn't wear it to step class at Bally's Total Fitness, don't wear it for battle.